Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Meredith's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
4:41 am	express feelings you dont understand to people you dont kno or give a fuck about what is all this anger directed at ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. perfectly great night and right now i am about t explode extremes still in every way yeah college changed everything except for the actual person old habits die hard. i dont knoww what i want with anything but wanna get it so badly Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: nerd (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 4th, 2005
9:27 pm	understand yourself An unmistakable sign of paranoia is continual mistrust. People with paranoid personality disorder are constantly on their guard because they see the world as a threatening place. They tend to confirm their expectations by latching on to any speck of evidence that supports their suspicions and ignore or misinterpret any evidence to the contrary. Because persons with paranoid personality disorder are hyperalert, they notice any slight and may take offense where none is intended. As a result, they tend to be defensive and antagonistic. They are highly critical of others. They pride themselves on their rationality and objectivity. People with a paranoid outlook on life rarely come to the attention of clinicians -- it is not in their nature to seek help. Many presumably function competently in society. They may seek out social niches in which a moralistic and punitive style is acceptable or at least tolerated to a certain degree. Another theme seen frequently is that of delusional jealousy. Individuals with somatic delusions are convinced that there is something very wrong with their bodies -- that they emit foul odors, have bugs crawling in or on their bodies, or are misshapen and ugly. Because of these delusions, they tend to avoid the society of other people and spend much time consulting physicians for their imagined condition. Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: a distorted reality is now necessary to be free (ha funny) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
2:41 pm	i always fall apart at the end i can never stay motivated for a whole year. if i try at all it only last for a while, then i stop caring and want to be on vacation again. i am at that point now. a week ago i took a week off, and now i havent gone in 2 days. ahhh make me care! alright well i will be done on 4/20 (haha awsome) 2 finals that day then on vacation (minus extra classes i need to take over the summer, not because i failed..how dare you think that, but just cuz i need extra ones for my major that dont fit. blah. track goes an extra month after school ends which i am fine with. alright so like 2 weeks then finals then semi- freedom. i can do this. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 24th, 2005
1:45 am	on too many drugs CJHetu321 (1:30:58 AM): hi CJHetu321 (1:31:02 AM): fuck you ExpliciTEclipseS (1:31:03 AM): hey crazy face CJHetu321 (1:31:03 AM): hi CJHetu321 (1:31:04 AM): hi CJHetu321 (1:31:05 AM): hi CJHetu321 (1:31:08 AM): fuck off ExpliciTEclipseS (1:31:09 AM): why fuck me CJHetu321 (1:31:10 AM): fuck you CJHetu321 (1:31:12 AM): jk CJHetu321 (1:31:14 AM): i love you ExpliciTEclipseS (1:31:26 AM): oh CJHetu321 (1:32:07 AM): you are so fuckn concieded CJHetu321 (1:32:12 AM): you abitdch CJHetu321 (1:32:14 AM): bitch CJHetu321 (1:32:16 AM): bitch CJHetu321 (1:32:24 AM): jk CJHetu321 (1:32:31 AM): why whould you think that CJHetu321 (1:32:34 AM): whly\\lk CJHetu321 (1:32:36 AM): why CJHetu321 (1:32:37 AM): why CJHetu321 (1:32:38 AM): why CJHetu321 (1:33:00 AM): hi CJHetu321 (1:33:01 AM): hi CJHetu321 (1:33:02 AM): hi CJHetu321 (1:33:03 AM): hi CJHetu321 (1:33:04 AM): hi CJHetu321 (1:33:05 AM): hi CJHetu321 (1:33:06 AM): jhi CJHetu321 (1:33:08 AM): merrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr CJHetu321 (1:33:11 AM): fuck you CJHetu321 (1:33:26 AM): what the fuck CJHetu321 (1:33:28 AM): fuck you ExpliciTEclipseS (1:33:29 AM): sorry CJHetu321 (1:33:30 AM): you ExpliciTEclipseS (1:33:31 AM): hi soory ExpliciTEclipseS (1:33:36 AM): writing paper... CJHetu321 (1:33:39 AM): ok CJHetu321 (1:33:42 AM): fine CJHetu321 (1:33:43 AM): fine CJHetu321 (1:33:57 AM): fuck yoiu i 'mn so not drulnk CJHetu321 (1:33:59 AM): drunk CJHetu321 (1:34:11 AM): what? CJHetu321 (1:34:13 AM): awh y] ExpliciTEclipseS (1:34:14 AM): i said whenever CJHetu321 (1:34:15 AM): fuck CJHetu321 (1:34:17 AM): fuck CJHetu321 (1:34:18 AM): fuck CJHetu321 (1:34:19 AM): you CJHetu321 (1:34:48 AM): wghy6t CJHetu321 (1:34:55 AM): \[sadf zcujn CJHetu321 (1:35:05 AM): honestly what is thematter with you CJHetu321 (1:35:10 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:35:11 AM): \no ExpliciTEclipseS (1:35:11 AM): lol nothing CJHetu321 (1:35:12 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:35:13 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:35:13 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:35:14 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:35:15 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:35:16 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:35:17 AM): no ExpliciTEclipseS (1:35:19 AM): whoa chill CJHetu321 (1:35:20 AM): what CJHetu321 (1:35:30 AM): honestly ly you are crazy CJHetu321 (1:35:33 AM): damn CJHetu321 (1:35:36 AM): damn you CJHetu321 (1:35:38 AM): god dam;nit CJHetu321 (1:35:44 AM): fuck you i call and you no answer CJHetu321 (1:35:53 AM): i'm gonna cut you up and you gonna wish i no cut you up CJHetu321 (1:36:00 AM): damn ytou CJHetu321 (1:36:11 AM): what tin the hell is the mattah with you CJHetu321 (1:36:13 AM): fucki CJHetu321 (1:36:16 AM): ][>? ExpliciTEclipseS (1:36:32 AM): hi sorry CJHetu321 (1:36:37 AM): hey whats up ExpliciTEclipseS (1:36:38 AM): dude trish is asleep its on silent CJHetu321 (1:36:45 AM): your being so r8de CJHetu321 (1:36:48 AM): rude CJHetu321 (1:36:51 AM): damnit ExpliciTEclipseS (1:36:56 AM): youd idnt just call me ExpliciTEclipseS (1:37:07 AM): i dont have amissed call ExpliciTEclipseS (1:37:13 AM): you can call again ill pick up ExpliciTEclipseS (1:37:28 AM): im not being rude CJHetu321 (1:38:06 AM): hey ExpliciTEclipseS (1:38:41 AM): hey ExpliciTEclipseS (1:38:47 AM): wha are you on ExpliciTEclipseS (1:42:43 AM): cj? CJHetu321 (1:43:02 AM): hi loser CJHetu321 (1:43:28 AM): hey mer ExpliciTEclipseS (1:43:31 AM): fuck you CJHetu321 (1:43:31 AM): i'm kidding ExpliciTEclipseS (1:43:33 AM): bye CJHetu321 (1:43:43 AM): what CJHetu321 (1:43:45 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:43:51 AM): oh my god stopit i love you CJHetu321 (1:43:52 AM): what CJHetu321 (1:43:53 AM): mer CJHetu321 (1:43:55 AM): oh CJHetu321 (1:43:57 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:43:57 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:43:58 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:43:59 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:43:59 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:44:00 AM): no CJHetu321 (1:44:30 AM): merrreidth CJHetu321 (1:44:32 AM): stop CJHetu321 (1:44:35 AM): please toalk CJHetu321 (1:44:36 AM): to me CJHetu321 (1:44:38 AM): i'm upst CJHetu321 (1:44:40 AM): realy CJHetu321 (1:44:41 AM): bad CJHetu321 (1:44:43 AM): baed CJHetu321 (1:46:19 AM): hey CJHetu321 (1:46:42 AM): hey deep conversations with friends. . . . Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Monday, February 14th, 2005
10:46 pm	"but loved alan not is money, and i would never do anyhting to hurt him" so this day,fabulus day that it is for some, while so sad for many others, i lived it, year 19. went to bed at 2 30, woke up at 6 drove over 2 hrs, took soc test, went to bed at 1130 woke up at 349, went to 1 of 3 classes today , went to practce, walked the city, drank alone, took sleeping pills and plan to pas s out early,. i dont care though, i didnt try to do anything this is the second best option i had. and still i love it filll your mind with chocolate and pnk and red and flowers and love and beauty and all that wnderful feeling (when i read thi s i will most likely delete it. whaever right now i fee good and all \\\ not going to be overly gushingg with emotions, but placing some lyrces, surely over used, gay and non creative Racing thru' my brain And I just can't contain This feeling that remains There she blows There she blows again Pulsing thru' my vein And I just can't contain This feeling that remains There she goes, there she goes again She calls my name, pulls my train No-one else can heal my pain And I just can't contain This feeling that remains There she goes There she goes again Chasing down my lane And I just can't contain This feeling that remains aawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww xox chill the mind, let it be wel through description it ma not sound good, but best valentines day ever. beats last years, beats the yeah before at darrahs (oh mah haha), better then evvr take it ow you will Current Mood: loved Current Music: doesnt matter right now (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
12:10 pm	today worked out how bizzzzare YES! oka so afternoon classes are canceled because of snow which is so great because i have a huge anatomy test i am not prepared for and need to study for. also i have so much homework that i should do but dont wanna.. but can CUZ I HAVE SO MuCH FREE TIME TODay yES! this semester is a lot of difficult work so far, i dont like work. i wanna go buy more socks instead of doing laundry.... i need a hair cut and may do that today so a fact of life is that weed brings people together. it is the easiest way of making friends. although i do not smoke these days it is still how i first make some sorta bond (not really the right word) with people. i am aware that this is sad but still it works. every guy i am friends/sorta almost friends with potential to become one is a pot head. and i love this, but at the same time it could kinda take away from something more genuine? what ever i do not care i went off some of the pills i was on for like the past 5 days.... and they were the i guess most important/highest dosage ones (1600 mg). i feel sorta the same i guess, but i dont think the were totally working right either. should i attempt living on less psychologically enhancing prescriptions, start taking these again so i dont like end up going crazy and having a mental breakdown, or start taking something similar but different from those that potentially will be more effective and improve my out of control mind???? feedback/advice is more then encouraged cz i dont really know what ta do this is a big decision Current Mood: happy Current Music: Adict - viva la revolution (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 20th, 2005
6:57 pm	so i better hold on and this is my dedication to the world.................... ________________________________________________ welcome to paradise Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: drink tonight (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
4:13 am	im so fucked up genetics think about this they have disvcovered what a DNA strand has look ed like. but at the same time no 2 DNA strands look the same so when they show a model of DNA what the fuck is it of ? is it a black woman who is fat and 5'4" pr ios it a white strong 6 foot man who has blouw eyes what is a dna model of, whose model is it think about it fuckeer no one knows . you see a model if it, and they say this is what the fuck dnna looks like but then at the same time, they are say=ing no 2 peopoes or things loo the same. so who anre they using as this model?????????????????/ think about it think think thkn this is why you cant sllleoo genetics histiry family country life feelings lack of feelings memorires everything you cant understaind any of this fucking existence nothing is deep its just misuderstoood i said iw as going to stop and i i didnt love changesw life forever i think i have a concoousinsion i hitg my head like 50 timesand fell and it wwa liek whats the fucing point. im gint to go back to college no prooof reading no deleting this is how its going to to stay theres no reason t go back and switch it because thi sis wht iw s thiking right now. im sorrryy ofofor anythign ive ever done to huirt anyone i wnna sctram your name. i lovr you god make me think i need to read more i nevdr read the books that everyon else dos e fvuk it id ont vare ill read what i want .. i can be educated and not read all the fucking popular trendy books everyone ele discusessd ill be interested to read all this tommrow my nose is now dripping bllloood and in going to trn around and join the conversation. didnt think think tink crazy/? what now. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 1st, 2005
5:39 pm	another new years why am i so good at fucking up? my usual lack of words 2005 is off to a devestating start 364 left Current Mood: distressed Current Music: pounding in my head (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 18th, 2004
5:16 pm	I wish I could sing sooooooooooooooo fucking bad. That would be awesome But then I think about like who I am, and how terribly unfitting it would be if I had some incredible voice. Total clash but still I wish I could Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: nothing i can sing (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 17th, 2004
10:47 pm	semidisconnectedthoughts Sometimes I wish I was religious Life is guilt By accounting for negative things in your head before they have a chance to happen, you can prevent it. No one would understand how this works, or what it means, besides me. There is something unsettling about my family going on a trip over Christmas and me not. My mind automatically shoots to the worst case scenario of anything that could possibly go wrong. Trying to readjust to this type of life It’s true you can’t live through song lyrics Consciously or unconsciously adjusting or mediating the body's responses to the social and physical environment. Current Mood: scared Current Music: kweller (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
7:49 pm	lookn back A year doesn’t seem like it’s that long a time at all. I was thinking about what I was like last year around thanksgiving, all the shit I was doing and just like how insanely different every bit of my life was. So obviously the whole being in college and not living in Natick anymore is a huge change. Not being with friends, making new friends. Floating around. Today last year I went to school (surprisingly enough) for like 2 hours then left when the pep-rally started. After I came home, got stoned, and made pies for hours. I miss being stoned. I took it for granted and now that it’s gone it is just terrible. And I drink too much now as a result. Okay random rambling, blah, poor me. Alright so then I think later that night some track coach called me and dangled the idea of a scholarship in front of my face, if I was better. So this provoked me to wake up on thanksgiving and go to the gym for 2 hours to work out. WHen ever i have memories about being ambitious or caring about things its so confusing. Alright then went to grandmothers for dinner, which is the same as i will be doing this year. Also last year around this time: Making the big indoor track/basketball decision (very difficult choice) Frequent drug use Promiscuous primarily male hook ups Applying to colleges (no idea where I wanted to go) Didn’t have a physics teacher Was letting grades decline (stopped caring didn’t matter) Got to be with the friends all the time Nightly smoking drives (facility time period?) Had no idea how lucky I would be now 3 > 6 > 3 >... how many people read lj still Hmm I don’t remember why I decided to write this my mind has completely wandered off. Oh yeah okay so a lot of shit changes and can happen in a year. Skip whole entry to second to last line for abridged version. Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: Pachelbel (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 21st, 2004
10:26 pm	nothing much so right now i should be writing a five page english paper that i havent started. i did write my name and the date though, so i guess that something. hmmm so my new college sports drugless life sorta sucks... its forcing me into alcoholism. yesterday after the redsox won we all ran to fenway and joined the massive riot, which ended with tear gas and rubber bullets, and one girl dead. i had left at this point but still it was pretty fucking insane so i am really bored with all the music on my comp and need new shit but the downloader wont work, so i am trapped withthe same songs i always listen to. I apologize to all the people I made fun of in high school for being all like yeaaaah adderall, I guess they weren’t as stupid and pathetic as I thought. Or maybe they were and now I am also? I dunno whatever doesn’t matter oh so yaaaaaaaaaay david kaitlan matt and chris are all coming next weekend! thas goigng to be awsome, we gota stay in boston though no going home.... Take me now baby here as I am Hold me close, try and understand Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe Love is a banquet on which we feed Come on now try and understand The way I feel when I'm in your hands Take my hand come undercover They can't hurt you now, Can't hurt you now, can't hurt you now haha patti smith lyrics I AM SO COOL so tommorow kaitlan is coming then and thatll be a good night, then i get to go to practice in the morn, then i get to escape. see being all poitive looking forward to the good stuff and bein all happy. okay i think i will go and pretend i am going to start working but really stare blankly at the screen for a half hour then go drink. yup that sounds about right. uh huh. Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: nirvana (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 19th, 2004
10:55 pm	long time no write well back to the lj scene i dont have much to write. i am now a NU student, before i wasnt. i dont spend much time there and when i do im wishing i was somewhere else. itsw relly not at all bad though, i like people which is a shocker. ummm so yeah right now im not at school. i skipped class friday,a nd now i will be doing so for monday. lets call it a long weekend. its better to not be in class. once i miss three i start losing credit, so after omorow i will have one in each class. its like im not behind yet, bubt i feel it coming really soon. i freak out about the work and then ill go to natick or something, and then like still wont do the work. so i am learning it is a bigger waste of time to have abreak down over shit, that im not goign to do no matter what, so why the fuck should i bother to care? whoa ramble... i am at wesleyan. i was at NU for the weekend and came here earlier today. i want to count how many times i have left to come here or go home or anywhere. i gotta get into the actual college thing.. being staying there for more then 3 days at a time. -+-+-+-+-+-.....thats my heads ups and downs (but actuallly iw as just playing with the keys doing a pattern, and saw what i did and was like oh okay yeah blah blah) ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well i am staying here, and i didnt do any homework over the weekend or last week, and didnt bring any with me to do here.. so yeah this is all the writing i will be doing tonight live journal is sooooooo stupid i lookeed back and i had liek wrote so many things that were stupid while i was drunka nd then had gone back and written something else cause the stupid drunk shit annoyed me. okay thats enough peace yo' :-D (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 10th, 2004
11:49 pm	insane stop writing things when you are drunk Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 8th, 2004
2:13 am	m l berry ya ever just wonder what the hell is the outside world thinking about this? do not make roller coaster analogies ever Find myself singing the same songs everyday Ones that make me feel good When things behing the smiles ain't okay .. And I can't believe that I have to bang my head against this wall again But the blows they have just a little more space in-between them Gonna take a breath and try again. -shannon Current Mood: doesnt matter Current Music: blind melon walk (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 4th, 2004
6:27 pm	bad (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 3rd, 2004
2:35 am	I CAN NOT HANDLE LIFE! change of tune (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
4:51 am	soon didnt sleep a second tonight which is so not a good way to kik off a road trip... but thats alright. we will be leaving for bonnaroo in about 15... i am completly excited about going and at the same time scared of being arrested or some how dieing on this trip. unexpected phone calls most definitely make me happy i will miss everyone, maybe some of the extremely privileged will receive a phone call. :-D love to all and see ya in a week Current Mood: excited Current Music: birds (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
3:49 pm	good news i called the doctor today to find out all my results from the tests taken from my physical annnnnnnnnnnddddd all negative! fabulouss (Comment on this)